Bipartisan Gymnastics: Congress Sets New Record for Backflips
Forget the Olympics, the real acrobatics are happening on Capitol Hill, where lawmakers are contorting themselves so hard to avoid accountability that Cirque du Soleil just offered them a residency.
The Budget Yoga Pose: Downward Dodge
When it comes to passing a budget, Congress has mastered the art of “delayed balance.” Picture lawmakers holding a yoga pose called Downward Dodge, where they promise fiscal responsibility while simultaneously voting for trillion-dollar wish lists. It’s less “mindful meditation” and more “hoping voters forget math exists.”
The Border Handstand
One week it’s “crisis at the border,” the next week it’s “well-funded humanitarian aid.” Lawmakers flip upside down so often that the Border Handstand might as well be an official event. The kicker? No matter which way they land, lobbyists manage to slide the landing mat underneath just in time.
The Healthcare Split
Both parties bend into painful-looking splits when asked why prescription drugs still cost more than rent. On one side, politicians shout about “big government.” On the other, they shout about “corporate greed.” Then everyone quietly accepts free samples from the pharmaceutical lobby and agrees to do nothing. Flexibility, it turns out, is bipartisan.
Foreign Policy Somersaults
America’s foreign policy is a dazzling floor routine, lots of spinning, high-flying rhetoric, and sticking the landing in whichever country currently offers the best trade deal. Bonus points awarded if a lawmaker manages to look tough on TV while cashing checks from defense contractors.
The Filibuster Flip
Ah, the signature move. Nothing says political gymnastics like a filibuster, endless spinning in midair with no forward motion. Judges (the American people) deduct points for style, but in Congress, stalling counts as a perfect 10.
And the Winners Are…
Lobbyists, of course. Always lobbyists. While politicians are busy twisting themselves into knots, lobbyists are quietly carrying away the gold medals (and by medals, we mean tax breaks, subsidies, and regulatory loopholes).
Final Scorecard:
- Honesty: 0/10
- Accountability: 0/10
- Flexibility: Off the charts
Congress doesn’t need a standing ovation, it needs a standing correction. Until then, enjoy the show: America’s longest-running circus, with tickets funded by you.